Guest Post #1: Jacob "Cobb Salad" Schutz

If you haven’t noticed yet, we here at The Canals have been spending some time in the past week appreciating friends new and old. To compliment the “Friends of The Canals” series currently underway, a few of our amigos will be making some guest posts to fill up time and space. And this shall be known as the first annual Friends Fortnight! Give a big round of applause for our poet laureate, Jacob Schutz. Welcome back Cobb!

If you’re anything like me, you’re a misaligned youth who gets through daily existential crises thanks to the angry, quasi-angsty music from decades of misfits. You’re also University of Pennsylvania’s most eligible bachelor, but that’s a story for another day. The problem with summer is that sitting in a bedroom—angrily pondering the success of reality TV and railing against the man—becomes a lot less appealing. You just want to go outside, see the world a bit. So you can mock it again when winter comes. Throughout the years I have come up with some songs that fit summer cruising nicely, but still have that sweet soothing feeling that is a balm for the socially awkward. Let me take you through a typical day of summer:

Yellow Sun by The Raconteurs- You wake up on a sunny summer day thinking of the girl you fancy. Will you work up the courage to talk to her? “And if the sun should follow us into your room/Then the courage will be robbed from me to tell you the truth.” Doesn’t look good.

12:51 by The Strokes- So just call her. I recommend a line like, “We could go and get 40s/Fuck goin' to that party/Oh really, your folks are away now?/Alright, let's go, you convinced me.”

I Bet You Look Good on The Dance Floor by the Arctic Monkeys- At the party, dance. I can’t really dance, but I sure as hell can jerk arhythmically. And that’s what girls like. As the music dies down you’ll realize, “Oh there ain't no love/No Montagues or Capulets/We're just banging tunes and DJ sets and/Dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness.”

Bike by Pink Floyd- This realization leaves you feeling awkward, and you cease functioning in front of said girl. In a desperate attempt to save the evening, you confess your feelings. Unfortunately, you’re tripping on acid at this point and mess up your metaphors. You make vague sexual references like “I’ve got a bike/You can ride it if you like.”

My Best Friend’s Girl by The Cars- Girl doesn’t respond well. You become withdrawn, distant, unable to stop yourself from seeming sullen. That’s when your friend slides in on you and steals the girl.

The Denial Twist by The White Stripes (removed by request)- I normally deal with situations like these with a heaping plate of denial. Jack White tells me “Take a tip and do yourself a little service/Take a mountain turn it into a mole/Just by playing a different role.” This helps, as does valium.

So anyways, that’s a day in the life of Cobb Salad. If you liked that last song, check out the Stripes’ new single, “Icky Thump.” I’m obsessed with The White Stripes. A lot. And as I know Jack White is a big fan of The Canals, I just want to say: 1) Sorry for being awkward when we met last and 2) Please come to Colorado between May and September.

The White Stripes – Icky Thump (removed by request)

-Jacob Schutz, poet laureate