Monday, May 28, 2007

Searching For Polar Bears: A Multimedia Essay

"Someone told me/It's all happening at the zoo/
I do believe it/I do believe it's true."

Rather than barbecuing or parading, I spent my Memorial Day weekend on a quest to find the king of the ice. Yesterday my crew and I got on a train and headed due north -- to the heart of the Bronx.

Simon & Garfunkel - At The Zoo

We started out on the African plains. A long way from the North Pole, but interesting in its own right. We were greeted by a zebra.

Elbow - Scattered Black And Whites
Michael Jackson - Black Or White
The White Stripes - Black Math
Nate Allman - Stripes

On our way out of Africa we noticed two monkeys grooming each other, and we took turns doing the same. Under the beating savannah sun it's important to keep your hygiene in mind.

Outkast - So Fresh, So Clean
Chuck Prophet - What Makes The Monkey Dance

We met up with some gorillas. This one was deep in thought.

Ben Folds - Philosophy (live)
Elliott Smith - I Don't Think I'm Ever Gonna Figure It Out
Norah Jones - Thinking About You

And these brothers were enjoying some good-natured roughhousing.

The Hollies - He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother
G. Love & Special Sauce - Love
Golden Earring - Radar Love

Just when we thought we couldn't make it one more step, we spotted a camel in the distance. We all piled on and high-tailed it to Antarctica.

The Beatles - Ticket To Ride
Calexico - The Ride, Pt. II
Alberta Cross - Lucy Rider (acoustic)

Stopped for a bite at the Dancing Crane Cafe.

The Decemberists - The Crane Wife 1 And 2

We spotted something on the side of the road, and we knew we were headed the right way. Personally I think this sign was a bit of an understatement. I'd describe them as something more like "Majestic Creature of the Icy Kingdom" or "Savage Titan of The Milky Way."

Hem - Almost Home

And then the beast appeared before us. I felt such sympathy for my Polar brother. It seemed like I, too, was covered in a dense fur.

"Jump in the water, my friend!" I screamed, but the beast paid no heed. He just sat, absorbing the Sun's rays like the martyr I always knew he was.

All of a sudden, he sprang up on his haunches. He was 25 feet tall if he was 5. He roared at the heavens as if to say, "God - if ye be more mighty than I, strike me down in front of my minions!"

Needless to say, he did not fall.

Wax Fang - Bi-Polar Bear
Modest Mouse - Polar Opposites

What a day.



Matt Loomis said...

this is hilarious

Jacob Schutz said...

One of the greatest posts of all time, in any medium. Well done

Aus said...

I beg to differ. Obviously the worst post yet.

Christy said...

You are freaking hilarious man, I love it! He roared at the heavens...LMAO!